It has taken me 4 years to write this story. I still find it hard to wrap my mind around that day and how my world immediately changed.
I absolutely loved being pregnant with our firstborn. I was completely fascinated by everything my body was created to do in order to sustain this precious little life growing inside me. I also loved that I had a really good excuse to eat donuts and ice cream all the time. So much so that I even got a gift card to a donut shop for Christmas! It was such a sweet time feeling all the little movements and kicks. And even the back pain and just awkwardness of being pregnant and trying to sleep was still so sweet for me. I was becoming a momma.
We decided not to find out if we were having a boy or girl, and it actually got easier to wait to find out the further along we were. We chose to do the nursery and register for everything in gray and white, knowing I could add colors once he or she got here. And while I was hoping for a girl, everything inside me just knew I was carrying a sweet boy. I could just feel it.
My pregnancy was smooth and pretty uneventful right up until I went in for my 37 week appointment. That’s when we found out our sweet babe was breech. My doctor wanted us to schedule a c-section to prevent me from going in to labor for fear of fast delivery with a breech baby. I was completely caught off guard and overwhelmed. I felt ready and prepared for labor and delivery and was blindsided by a change in the plan.
But then I realized I could actually mark it on the calendar when I would get to see the face of our sweet little one. And I was so ready.
One of the nice things about having to schedule a c-section is that you know exactly what time you need to be at the hospital, your out-of-town family can make plans on when they need to be there and you can mentally prepare what you can do right up to the last minute. We slept in and just rested, I did my makeup and hair, and we just enjoyed our morning before heading to the hospital.
I was 39 weeks the day our c-section was scheduled, and since I hadn’t had any contractions yet, I walked in to the hospital in no pain, excited to meet my baby! They took us to our room where I got prepped for surgery. Our birth photographer arrived and then we all walked down to the OR. T and our photographer were not allowed in the OR until everything was ready and the doctor was about to start the surgery. It was a bit surreal to have this moment where I had to leave T outside the OR, walk in and literally lay myself on the operating table in that freezing room. It was so cold. I was so nervous. And I felt so alone. I think because I was so nervous I don’t even remember the feel of the spinal block. I just remember leaning over, them poking me and then telling me to lay down. And that’s when things went bad for me. Extreme panic set in as I felt my entire body go numb. I was starting to have a major panic attack, the anesthesiologist put a washcloth on my forehead and had to give me a little oxygen to help me calm down. I just kept saying “I need to move my legs” and freaking out. They nearly had to sedate me, but thankfully T was finally able to come in and get me to calm down. Instead of either of us getting to actually enjoy the process of what was going on, he literally had to keep telling me to breathe in and breathe out, just so I would stay calm.
But then it happened! I felt some tugging and then our doctor said “here comes your baby. It’s a BOY!!” A boy!! We have a boy! They removed the cover to the clear plastic window and our doctor held up the sweetest little baby boy with the loudest cry. He was here! And so tiny at 5lbs 11oz. They took him over to make sure he had no fluid on his lungs. I was still having some moments of panic. Not being able to move my legs was causing me severe anxiety, something I have never experienced before, and hope I never do again.
After a few minutes, T was able to bring my sweet boy over and place him on my chest. My son. I will never forget the moment I was able to look in his eyes and kiss his most precious face. “It’s me, your momma.”
Over the course of the next few hours, we bonded with our precious little boy, while I was still battling panic attacks over not being able to move my legs. It was a huge mental battle for me. One that brings that hard-to-breathe feeling back in my lungs every time I think about it. Thankfully, the feeling in my legs eventually came back and my joy was overflowing at the fact I was finally staring at the face of the sweet little baby I had been waiting 9 months to meet.
His first 24 hours consisted of meeting family, getting snuggles, feeding, and unfortunately lots of little pricks on his foot because of his sugar levels. He was so tiny and his levels were too low and not getting to the number they needed to be. He wasn’t even 24 hours old yet and they told me they needed to take him to the NICU. This is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. My heart seemed to just rip out as they wheeled his little bed out of our room. And I literally could not get up and walk with him.
We spent the next 6 days in the hospital, making our routine journey of T pushing me in a wheelchair down to the NICU every 3 hours to feed him, snuggle him, and tell him over and over he is so brave and we love him and will be back soon. Thankfully his numbers got better and we were finally able to get our sweet boy out of the hospital so we could love on him at home!
I’m not sure why the Lord decided his birth would have moments of deep fear and anxiety wrapped all around it, but what I do know is I am forever grateful for the experience. I have had to go on a deep journey of healing and trust with the Lord over the past four years that have only brought me closer to His heart for me.
I still can’t believe I get to be his momma. My life changed the moment he was born and I will never be the same. I know Jesus better because of this sweet gift the Lord gave us. We are celebrating 4 years with our sweet boy today. And every night when I tuck him in, I thank the Lord for letting me have just one more day with him. Because I just can’t get enough of that look he gives me when he whispers that he loves me.